


Dysmorphia

by Vault_Emblem



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Character Study, Gen, brief appearance of Edelgard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:00:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23805013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vault_Emblem/pseuds/Vault_Emblem
Summary: Hubert, a mirror, and what is reflected on it.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19
Collections: Fire Emblem Gen Week 2020





	Dysmorphia

**Author's Note:**

> Last fic for this year's genweek! The prompt is "shadow".  
> I had so much fun with this, so thanks to the mod of the event!

Hubert has always been told that he’s ugly, but it wasn’t until he got to Garreg Mach that he understood how much of a negative thing it is, or at least it should be.

Since he was little, he had to get used to ugliness: Vestra was a house that lived in the shadows, and thus they’ve had to act and look accordingly.

His father could be described as an ugly men, but always caught Hubert were his stern features most of all; he looked like he belonged to the shadows, and Hubert was to follow his steps.

He always knew everything about him is ugly; it’s how it’s supposed to be, it’s what he aspires to be.

People fear him, and that’s how it’s supposed to be. He has to look intimidating, or else he’d be doing his job wrong.

He’s not the kind of vain person that looks himself in the mirror, but when he does, he doesn’t see a body: he sees a shadow, a monster, someone nobody would want to get close to.

He sees nothing wrong in this; it’s as it should be, after all: he’s supposed to be like this.

And yet, he feels something when Bernadetta passes out in front of him for the umpteenth time, he feels something when he hears people whispering about him, he feels something when someone would laugh at him for how he looks.

He likes to believe that it all washes over him, but there’s a spark of something that he doesn’t quite understand that bothers him.

As Edelgard’s protector, he enrolled in school the same year as she did, even though he’s older. Seeing some many people younger than him going through stuff that he never lived is beginning to make him realize what he missed during his formative years.

He’s not supposed to have a conscience of self – he is just a mere tool in the hands of lady Edelgard – and even when he finally sees himself, and we’re talking about his actual self, he finds that, after all, the way he looks and what he always saw aren’t that different. If only they knew what _he_ sees – they would run away.

He really understands why people call him ugly…

He doesn’t like himself; he’s not supposed to: vanity isn’t something a Vestra should feel.

He’s heard people comparing him to a rat-like creature multiple times by now, and of course they’re all right. Not that he minds.

And yet there are times when he’d stare at himself in the mirror, at the monster that is supposed to be him, and he wonders what it’d be like to have features that are… less like himself.

It would make his job harder, or would it? In the end, he has to resort to intimidation because he knows that’s the only mean he can use to achieve his goals; he couldn’t persuade a soul looking like this, while intimidation comes much easier.

If he were different, however, things wouldn’t be quite so grim, he assumes. He would be able to manipulate people in ways he can only dream of doing as things are now.

Wouldn’t he lose himself, his identity, however? He doesn’t know.

A knock on his door snaps him out of his thoughts. Ah, lady Edelgard must be waiting for him.

What a foolish moment of his, to waste time wondering about something so useless.

That small moment of weakness, however, does repeat itself from time to time, much to Hubert’s chagrin.

It’s not supposed to be like this; he’s supposed to be stronger than this. There must’ve been something wrong with his training, because he can’t stop thinking about it.

Would things be different if he looked different? Would he have more friends – and he sneers at the mere thought – if he was more pleasing to the eyes?

These thoughts are like worms festering in his brain, and no matter how many times Hubert bats them away, they always come back.

It eventually escalates, though Hubert feels more lucid than he thought he would’ve been.

He hasn’t planned any of this of course: he was just about to head out when he’s made the mistake of accidentally looking at the mirror.

Today, he looks even uglier than usual, he finds.

He should not bother with this, he should leave, and yet he finds himself getting closer to the mirror.

There are various things on the desk under the mirror: a sharp razor he uses to shave, a small scissors for his nails and…

He grabs the bigger scissor, the one he’s supposed to use for his hair.

It’s like he’s entered a sort of trance as he grabs one strand of dark hair with the other hand, and his eyes move to the mirror. The monster is staring right back at him.

It’s with trembling hand that he _cuts_.

When he’s done, the floor around him is blackened by hair.

Hubert looks at himself and he sees… not a monster, at least not quite. One eye is still covered by bangs – although they’re shorter now – but he looks more like himself. Not that before he didn’t look like himself, but it’s different – he wouldn’t even know how to describe it.

It’s weird to say this, because he never thought such a moment would arrive, but he does like himself more like this. The shorter haircut does leave him more exposed, but he doesn’t mind it as much as he – probably – should.

Maybe like this he’ll finally be able to see himself, and not just the dark sharpened monster people consider him.

… Wasn’t he supposed to meet up with lady Edelgard? He had forgotten all about it!

This is nothing he can’t fix, at least, since he had planned to leave early to do… other things, before joining her for tea, but he supposes he can simply join her now.

How careless of him to make such an idiotic mistake. Hopefully, nothing bad has happened in his absence; it would bring him great shame if it has.

When he arrives at the gardens, lady Edelgard’s already there, patiently waiting for him.

He hurriedly approaches her, apologies that are already living his lips:

\- Pardon my lateness, lady Edelgard -.

Her liege smiles at him, not perturbed at all.

\- It’s fine, Hubert. We can’t always be perfect, although… -, and she pauses, squinting at him.

She looks most surprised when she speaks again:

\- Hubert… Did you cut your hair? -.

Of course she was going to notice; it is an evident change after all. Still, Hubert doesn’t know what he should say. He doesn’t want to make her part of his inner turmoil, and especially he doesn’t want to make her worry.

In the end he settles with a simple:

\- Yes -.

After a moment of hesitation, and despite his better judgment, he adds:

\- I like it better -.

Another moment passes, as lady Edelgard carefully studies him. He’s not used to such close scrutiny, but the way she smiles at him after she’s done makes him feel at easy again.

\- It looks good -.

She must be surely lying, and yet Hubert cannot detect any trace of falsity in her visage, nor in her voice. Is she really telling the truth?

Well, no matter what, that was kind of her to say, and Hubert faintly smiles as he joins her for tea – or coffee in his case.

\- Thank you -.

Maybe he’s truly starting to like himself more.


End file.
